I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
And then he peed in my hair
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