True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
