my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
