Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
