he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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