How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
