So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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