U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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