i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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