I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
