I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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