if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
