That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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