he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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