Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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