I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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