SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
