So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
