THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
