I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
