This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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