i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
