I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
