Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
