the condom got lost in my hair
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
