I cannot find my penis.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
