we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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