I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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