I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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