I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize