sorry about calling you the devil all night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
