....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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