It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
