I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I die, sorry about rent.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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