Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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