My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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