I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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