Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
