Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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