Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
