Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
