Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
