All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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