just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
