My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
