Just cropdusted the office
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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