i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
