I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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