Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
