I'm pants shitting drunk right now
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
