May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize