Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
