Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
