So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
