She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
