my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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