my phone needs a breathalizer
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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