There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
