I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
